Translation: " Tomorrow at this time / I will probably be crying / I will probably be thinking about you / You are always gonna be my love / even if I fall in love with someone once again / I'll remember to love / You taught me how / You are always gonna be the one / It's still a sad song / Until I can sing a new one... "
-- "First Love" : Utada Hikaru
"It's better to love and lost than to never have loved at all."
He wasn't my first boyfriend, and not even my first betrothed...but he was the first that I honestly felt strongly about.
I learned yesterday during a bit of an argument between us that he has an illness that is supposed to kill him within the next month. It honestly felt that I was going to have...no, I did have a breakdown. What hurt even more was that, while having to discuss it, he broke it off with me...our relationship in it's entirety. Engagement and all.
Why? Because I somehow convinced him that I would kill myself when he dies, and he was thoroughly opposed to it.
This explained several things, however. Why it felt that, even months ago, he was hesitant. Why I felt more worried about him than I normally do for my friends. Why I felt a sort of unexplainable sense of impending doom.
One thing that I questioned him about (considering the fact that he knew what was coming, and, according to him, has been going on for seven months) was why. Why he even proposed to me, knowing that he probably doesn't have that much time left. He responded that he wanted to. Not to hurt me, either. He said that he loves me that much, and wanted to be with me, no matter how short that remaining time was.
We both found it rather indescribable that we even lasted as long as we did, what with our arguments here and there, insecurities, and constantly thinking that we were hurting/annoying each other. He even pointed it out during one of our little arguments, and asked if I really wanted to stay with him, even if he seemed to hurt me at some point every day. I told him I did. Still do.
It wasn't too long after we stopped talking last night to cool down that we spoke again. And got back together.
It hurts knowing that we won't have that much time left together (unless, and I'm really praying, there's a miracle that delays it), and even more so that I may not be able to see him before it happens. But I think I'm more thankful that he did slip up and tell me. If he hadn't, and I'd only found out when it happened, I honestly don't know if I could deal with it.
So now...I just hope and pray that there is a miracle and he survives for longer than expected. I've honestly never felt this way about anyone else. He's really the love of my life, and I don't want to lose him so soon.
xoxo
You're both in my prayers.
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